Thoughts on Dialogue Between Orthodox and Off The Derech* Jews

Halacha Has Designed a System That Makes It A Challenge

Photo by Alex Azabache on Unsplash

One of my beliefs is that there’s no system that has all or even most of the answers. The way to find solutions for our common humanity is to realize that and look for compromise and ways to learn from each other.

We may not understand why some people do some things. We may think it’s weird. We may think it’s offensive. But if it’s not causing actual harm to another is it really worth fighting over.

I think that’s part of the thing. I was tired of fighting. Most solutions aren’t on the extreme, they’re going to be found in the middle of things. As humans are unique so are the situations and challenges we face.

I wrote about some of my anger, but I do want to find dialogue. We need to learn to listen to each other if we’re going to find solutions.

There are definitely individuals who wish to build bridges between the Orthodox and those that have opted for a different path.

I have yet to see any of the rabbinical leadership or organizations trying to address this except as a problem to solve, how to bring us back to religion, or similar efforts.

There could be something I'm not aware of and would be happy to learn about but this is what I sense.

One issue is the fact that Halacha (Jewish Law) does view those of us no longer practicing by negative terms. While Modern Rabbinical authorities commonly use more liberal interpretations it’s frequently done in hope of people returning to Orthodox Judaism and not because it’s the right thing for a person to do.

While we’re the same person our status does change. People will see rabbinical guidance on whether to attend our weddings, shivas, or other events. We may no longer be allowed to handle certain bottles of wine.

I do think it’s a dangerous thing when religious leaders attempt to control relationships. There are certainly cases of people being shunned and even mourned for leaving religion.

I had a very well respected Rabbi tell me not to have contact with my father because he had a desire to be cremated. Cutting contact with my father ended up being a good choice, but not because he didn’t believe in resurrection of the dead.

I understand that the leadership is scared. They don't want to give the impression of condoning and are scared of losing additional members. But avoiding a problem is rarely the solution.

I can think of things that those who’ve left should be doing as well. I don’t think it’s right to try to proselytize for secularism to people who are happy with their religious life. One shouldn’t antagonize with questions that they ask to start arguments. Respect always flows two ways.

Of course there’s a wide range of people who’ve left and their feelings. Many of them no longer want ties. I understand if people end a relationship isn’t healthy for them, but I don’t think that should be mandated by clergy.

I do think that the system of Halacha is quite complicated with many things that add difficulty to building these connections.

Mutual understanding that we’re not going to change each other’s minds and shouldn’t try to could be a good first step.

I’m interested in hearing what others think. I’m open to conversation and ideas on this. This Substack is to share thoughts, questions, and ideas not to prove a thesis.

* Of The Derech literally means Off The Path and is used to refer to those that were Orthodox Jews and no longer practice.